Most of us are familiar with the physical laws thought up by Sir Isaac Newton, the guy who invented gravity.  He said things like “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction” and “If you sit under a tree long enough, and apple will eventually fall on your head provided you are sitting under an apple tree.”

Isaac was considered very intelligent and was eventually responsible for the invention of calculus, which was a new kind of math for people who thought math wasn’t already hard enough.  He is also the reason why, even today, people who work in apple orchards often wear large, protective hats.

Newton’s laws made sense for hundreds of years, and everybody believed them.  They believed right up until the time when British sports cars were invented, when it was realized that a whole new bunch of laws were going to be needed.

Many distinguished scientists with names like Morris, Healey, Leyland, Mowog, and Murphy shook the scientific community when they published their new theory of mechanical behavior called “THE LAWS FOR BRITISH SPORTS CARS”.  Many people are not familiar with the five majors laws, so they are listed in the following text, with a brief explanation of each.

1. LAW OF PECULIAR RANDOM NOMENCLATURE
 
“The name of a British Sports Car shall consist primarily of letters and numbers, with said letters chosen in random fashion so that the resultant vehicle name is wholly devoid of meaning.”  This law explains why British cars always have spectacularly bad names like “XKE” or worse yet, “MGBGT.”

2. LAW OF CRYPTIC INSTRUCTION

“Any book, manual, pamphlet or text dealing with the maintenance, repair, or restoration of a British Sports Car shall be written so that at least every fourth word will be unknown to the average reader.  In the event that any portion of the text is understandable, the information contained therein shall be incorrect.”

Most people are familiar with this Law.  Here is an excerpt form page 132 of the MGA shop manual.  “Before rebushing the lower trunion banjos, you must remove the bonnet fascia and undo the A-arm nut with a #3 spanner.”

All attempts to publish an English language version of this manual have failed.

3. LOVE OF HARDSHIP LAW

“The more a British Sports Car malfunctions, breaks down and/or falls apart, the more endearing it becomes to the owner.”

You buy a British Sports Car.  You have had it a year and a half and replaced every item on the car at least twice.  When the engine is started it sounds as if someone has thrown a handful of ball bearings into a blender.  But when someone offers to buy it, you are offended because “It is like part of the family” and besides, “It is so much fun to drive.”  British Sports Car owners often stare into space and smile a lot.

This is referred to as the “Foolish Person Syndrome.”

4. LAW OF NON-FUNCTIONAL ATTRIBUTES

“All British Sports Cars, regardless of condition or age, shall always have at least one system or sub-system of components which is entirely non-functional, and cannot be repaired except on a semi-permanent or semi-functional basis.”  The famous Lucas Electrics Law.
5. RECENTLY DISCOVERED COMPONENT FAILURE LAW

“Any component of a British Sports Car which is entirely unknown to the owner shall function perfectly, until such time that the owner becomes aware of its existence, when it shall instantly fail.”

Case in point.  I have owned a rather ratty MGB for six years.  I never knew there was such a thing as a “Gulp Valve” until I saw new ones being offered for sale by Moss.  The next day, while driving my MG to work, the Gulp Valve fell off and was run over by a truck.

I do not know what the Gulp Valve gulps, nor do I particularly care to know since it sounds messy and dangerous.  But I figured I would buy a new Gulp Valve and install it myself.  One look at the shop manual and I decided to have somebody else install it (see LAW OF CRYPTIC INSTRUCTIONS, above)
 
While I’m driving the car over to the local repair establishment, I notice that the MGB is performing as well as it ever did, and that the loss of the mysterious Gulp Valve has not had any effect on its behavior.  I figure this is due to the NON-FUNCTION ATTRIBUTE LAW, which means that the Gulp Valve probably wasn’t gulping anyway, so I decide not to replace it after all.

Three days later the engine has no more oil in it and promptly seized into a solid mass of metal.  The tow truck operator, being ignorant of the LOVE OF HARDSHIP LAW, offered to take the car off my hands for $100.00.  I just smiled.

(NOTE:  I cannot take credit for the above.  It was written by Don Hayward and was originally published in the Morris Minor Registry Newsletter.  I just thought the members of the VMG would enjoy it as much as I did.  Gene deRuelle)